Unexpected Emotion

On this eve of July 4th, Independence day, I was independently renewing my ACLS at Memorial Medical Center's MCLI (Center for Learning and Innovation). It struck me that in my 35th year of nursing, I am STILL a student--forever in a learning role. So while my friends, many of whom are already retired, are preparing for the holiday, I spent my days off doing ACLS simulations and taking a test followed by hands on CPR on a computerized mannequin. All this fun followed by 12 hour shifts on the holiday and the day after. I was feeling a litter bitter about this and knocked out the hands on testing in 10 minutes flat. If there is one thing I can do after 28 of those 35 years in the ER, it's compressions and ventilation on the dying. I purposely went to test out in the evening, so that the building would be deserted. I took a minute when I was done to nose around a little bit and around the corner, I came across the mock trauma room, donated by one of the ER physicians I worked with and looked up to. I opened the door to find the room an exact replica of the trauma bay I spent so many hours in. What caught me totally off guard were the tears that surfaced. So much of my identity has been tied to being an ER nurse. I used to say that being an ER nurse was spiritual for me--I felt so alive, needed and heroic although at times we failed miserably. Standing in this mock trauma room, I was flooded with memories. Triumphs, failures, broken bodies and broken families. I remembered the co-workers who became family and without whom these scenarios would have been survivable. I was suddenly aware of how many of those co-workers we have already had to say goodbye to, both due to retirement and even death. Tears?? They can be so unexpected! This aging nurse, with no retirement age in sight, trudges on--forever the student, never to stop learning, forever missing ER--some things change, but inside stay the same.